Gulnaz Sattar

Gulnaz Sattar

Gulnaz is currently teaching at NUML Multan.She teaches English Literarture.
Gulnaz Sattar

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Dear God last night I strongly felt this that you are not there anymore for me. Because I have been bowing and pleading since very long. You just give it a damn either I cry or I laugh. Only you are concerned is to the well-being of my enemies. How could I be so stupid that I have been believing that you listen to everybody? No …You just listen to people of your own choice. You know it’s not others who have been disappointing me; this is you who have been doing this to me. You know when was it the first time? It was in 2010 when Aamir ditched me. I liked him or perhaps I assumed that I love him. At that time it was just an awesome feeling to be in love and maybe it fancied me. But still, I was very sincere to him. You know I was so stupid that I told all my class fellows that he was my fiancé; a common lie which all girls use to speak for the sake of their reputation. But you were not happy with him so you had put a seed of betrayal in him. He cheated me badly. Do you remember God the time when I used to sit on the stairs of my roof and wept like a child but you ignored or maybe you used to laugh at me that how stupid was I to weep for such a bad guy. After so many months I was consoled and I left the city for my MPhil.  I started living happily and this annoyed again you. I met Bilal and we went for a blind date. In fact, it was not a blind date, I just needed someone to go to the concert with me as all of my friends were going with their boyfriends. Having no friend at that time was a shame for me and my friends used to taunt me and say ” Hey are you lesbo?”. I met Bilal and yes I liked him at the very first meeting. I felt so protective at that time. When I was coming back I silently prayed to you “Please God I want him to be in my life”, and You said ” Yes”. Maybe you were planning to kick my ass so hard this time or maybe you were just in a happy mood. I came to know that he was married and had a son. I so proudly used to boast among my friends that Bilal was just a friend and how could I fall in love with a married man. No…never…absolutely not. I started meeting and I so clearly told him, ” Listen I am a very cool girl and I am not those types who weep for a guy and follow them till grave for commitment”. But I did not know what was coming for me. You knew it, God, that he was a callous man and he always took me for granted. I fell in love with him. Talking to him twice a day, google hangouts and good morning and night texts became my innate habit. I used to tell him, ” Bilal these are my cords; when we stay in touch like this I feel connected to you”. You know this God that it was that time when I started praying regularly and in every prayer, there was only one wish to be asked for and it was him. I never liked his wife and he knew it. I loved him for three years with so many breakups but we were still together. Where were you when he used to insult me like hell?????? You know this na that in every break he used to say “I don’t feel talking to you. I have lost interest in you. I find you boring etc etc” After every break up my praying time increased. I used to cry before you like a child, you know what I used to demand from you, “Oh God please put love and sincerity in his heart for me and give him to me”. He used to come back after weeks or sometimes after month. And how could I lose him? You knew this that I was afraid of losing two persons in my life “My father and  Him”. After patch up I was living happily, in fact, I was on the ninth cloud and here you showed your entry. You snatched my father from me, the first love of my life. How can I forget the torment I went through when my father was on Ventilator. There was a patient next to his room and he had Hepatitis C. And I arranged three bottles of blood for him only to make you happy God so that you can give me my father back. But you were so blindfolded at that time that you gave it a fuck and snatched him. When I used to pray in ICU room beside his bed, I used to be in so much hurry during my prayer that maybe you can take him from me anytime. Could not you see my feet were swollen? I was having typhoid and I could not sleep for six days and nights……I had been requesting you…. pleading you…for my father’s life. At last, you won and you took him. I was devasted. People used to say “God has relieved your father from pain, it’s for his good”. Dear God where were you when I was fighting alone in courts and banks for our rights after my father’s death? I suffered alone and you were just smiling at my courage. Maybe you were jealous instead of being amazed that how courageous this girl was? You know when I came back to the hostel after his death I was again diagnosed with typhoid and was admitted to hospital. I did not tell this to my family as my mother was in Iddat ( grief). I fainted one day and doctors suggested to call my family but I was a daughter of an Army Officer how could I be defeated by fate so easily so I refused to accept doctor’s proposal. I requested him to discharge me from hospital and he did so . I took medicines and came to home travelling all alone with 102 fever.  Could you image my body chillings and pain? No.You just can’t because you are not a poor girl or a puppet as You ARE A God. Okay enough leave it. I forgot what you did to me and I trusted you again. I was happy because Bilal was still there with me. I completed my degree and I got a job. You gave me job in my hometown and Bilal was there in Islamabad. I needed that job badly but I was afraid that if I leave the city I will lose him which I did not want to. But Bilal ensured me that he would marry me soon. The day came when I married him and it was a court marriage. I fought against all my family , society, religion and customs. I took a bold step and I married him without my family’s consent. I was very happy because I felt complete. Since my childhood i always had this fear that i don’t want to be alone. And that day I overcame that fear which followed me for so long. Bilal got a scholarship and he promised me to take me to America along. I came back to home after Nikkah and I started shopping for America. I bought gifts for him, I was working in two shift so that I won’t be a burden on my husband. I was trying hard to save money because I knew that my parents would not support me once they came to know about it. Meanwhile Bilal started quibbling with me over petty issues. He said that he was under pressure by his wife and his phone was on monitoring as he was a Naval Officer and his wife complaint against him. He refused before her that he had not married any girl and here he was convincing me that he was separated from his wife blah blah blah.  I pierced my nose because he once told me that he liked nose pins. I pierced it to make him happy and to show him that I belong to him as wives in Rajput culture pierce their nose as a symbol of loyalty. You know that I used to Paternoster ” Ya Waddudu” so that Bilal can love me forever. But you proved me wrong everytime specially when he threatened to divorce me. After three months he declared that he was divorcing me and it made me psychotic. I could not control my neurosis as I had severe panic attack. I remember that cold night when I wept before you like hell and asked you so passionately to stop Bilal from divorcing me. I was calling him again and again and he was saying ” Fuck off you bitch, I just don’t want to live with you anymore. I am over”. I took six Xanax tablets and tried to sleep. But I was in so much pain that my tears were not stopping. I became hysteric, my speech was slurred and I called you. I was weeping bitterly and asking him not to leave me and he said” Ok honey I wont”. The next day when i opened my eyes it was noon and my family was all around. I closed my eyes again. They brought me to hospital. Doctors washed my stomach and called psychiatrist. He declared that I was in severe depression and something was disturbing me. Oh God I wish I could have died but you saved me because the game was not over yet. You wanted to see more sufferings as you were a big fan of my Sob Stories. I was saved and I told my sister about marriage. My sister called Bilal and he threatened my sister not to call him again as he had made up his mind. I went home and called him and he said that he would not leave me on one condition if I don’t ask him to take me along and wait for him for five years. I agreed because I loved him but I used to text him again and again ” Please don’t go Bilal, I would die”. You were there no God when he said” You are worst than a cloth because cloth covers the body but you are useless. A shoe is better than you as it is used by a man and you are good for nothing. You are a Randi(whore), a gold digger. I don’t care if you die on a hospital bed or while begging in a street. I deserve much better than you. You are not entitled to anything. I don’t owe you anything”. I felt so humiliated God but you kept quiet. You were watching all this but did not do anything. Finally he divorced me and I was utterly broken that day. It’s been many months but it still hurts. I was mad at him and still is but you just do not want to see all this. You are responsible for all this because you put love in my heart for him so why can’t you give me peace now? I have become total wreckage. I can’t move on yet. Bilal went to America and he did not know how much I miss him and love him still. You know God I am so stupid that I still hope that he would come one day and will realize that he was wrong and our marriage was not a mistake. I went through so much humiliation and abuses from his first wife and my relatives just for him. If my love was true why didn’t you gave him to me? I don’t need anyone else, just him. Why do you claim then “Ask and I will bestow you with it”. You are a liar. If he was not a good guy, you had the ultimate power you could make him a good one at least for me. How could you allow him to break my heart so badly?  You know I was an adopted child and nothing was mine since my childhood. I always used to ask you to give me something of “My Own; my own relations which should be true to me”. I thought Bilal was my own (Mera Apna) but no, nothing belongs to me. You never gave me something to be proud off. Just tell me how to move on with such a broken heart. I don’t trust you any more. I won’t ask you for anything because  YOU ARE NOT THERE……..YOU ARE NOT LISTENING……….YOU ARE NOT WATCHING……YOU DO NOT HAVE A HEART…..YOU DO NOT LOVE ME. And if you had then how could you be so selfish? how could you not feel my pain? I am dying every day. It’s becoming unbearable to hide my pain before people. I can’t crack silly jokes any more, I can’t fight any more. If you love me then please let me die. I don’t have any hopes. I am alone and I am so afraid of it. I just can’t breathe God. Why can’t you see? Please come here….listen to me …. help me… I am alone. I don’t have anyone to support me and look after me. There is no one who can say “Don’t worry I am there for you”. The idea of a strong and independent woman does not impress me any more. I wanted to be independent but I never wanted to be alone. How could you do this to me if you claim to love me more than seventy mothers? Why can’t you fulfill my wish even it’s not in my favour? Tell me what stops you, don’t you have a fucking power over everything? then how comes you could not control his heart? I will suffer and I will suffer till death. And listen God I will not complain and yet I will ask for anything now. It’s an open war between you and me. You have lost me completely. And I am not talking to you anymore because I am tired now of your fake promises. Bohat hogya bs ab( I have been through enough).

 

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