Garima Ghoshal

Garima Ghoshal

From Muscat, Sultanate of Oman.At the age of 16 regarded the cosmos through a circle of rope.
Garima Ghoshal

Daddy
I’m sorry that
I was never the daughter
you wanted me to be
because I cried a lot.
I’m sorry that
you got into that accident
on my 5th birthday
and your doctor continuously indulged
in your addiction
to those pills
that were supposed to help.
I’m sorry that
they led you
to the little baggies of white powder
and the black tar wrapped in
foil.
I’m sorry that
a glass pipe
and a flame
made you feel better.
I’m sorry that
those toxic fumes
you filled your lungs with
helped you.
I’m sorry that
you loved those
straight white lines
hitting your bloodstream
like daggers.
I’m sorry that
you came into my room
when I was 7 years old
and told me that that all daddies
loved their little girls
like this.
Daddy,
I’m sorry that
I cried harder with every
hit and thrust
even though you
told me not to.
I’m sorry that
When I close my eyes
I can still see that little girl
I once was
lose her innocence
to the man she was supposed to trust.
I’m sorry that
the fact that you still
see my baby brother every weekend
terrifies me
because you don’t have me
to do all of this to
and god knows what
you could be doing
to him.
I’m sorry that
When I walked into school
all the other little girls
bragged about
their daddies
and how they loved them so much
and that I never
had the luxury of
loving you.
I’m sorry that
you saw me as
a punching bag
a pin cushion
to hit and stick
when the urge struck.
I’m sorry that
I still get nightmares
that make me shake
so violently
that I swear I’m having a seizure.
I’m sorry that
Every time
you would climb into my bed
I would pray
for you to kill me
so I wouldn’t have to
go through it again.
I’m sorry that
at the ripe age
of 12
I had a cast on my right arm
because I tried to defy you.
I’m sorry that
I still cry a lot
when the memories
shoot at me like a flying bullet
of mommy sleeping
and not being able to see
what you’d done to me
in the morning.
I’m sorry that
she still has no clue.
I’m sorry that
I didn’t have the courage
to tell a teacher
like they say to
in the assemblies
at school.
I’m sorry that
the only person who knows
is my best friend.
I’m sorry that
I tried to kill myself
for the first time
at 12 years old.
Daddy, I am sorry.

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